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Feb. 9th, 2012

>_>

(no subject)

Fuck. This.


I'm done with all of it. I'm so glad that with my entirely busy schedule and being able to do EVERYTHING I fucking do for EVERYONE that I get all this wonderful bullshit in return. I'm sorry if I'm not entirely sympathetic to everyone else's plights, but I don't have to.

So that's it. Eff it. 
Checking out.

Nov. 29th, 2011

Mine

.Word Vomit.

I'm not entirely sure where to begin with this entry, so if it's a jumbled mess, I do apologize now. Not that I have to apologize to anyone who may actually read this, it's my journal after all-- but whichever.

I want to know where I went wrong.

School, work, people, my own person.... 
I'm not sure. I feel like I've done something wrong somewhere. I feel like with everything I actually put in, I'm geting shat on in return, with everything. Maybe there is no wrong, but I certainly am not where I wanted to be. Let's narrow this down...


School: I enjoy my classes and my major. I don't feel like I'm getting enough out of it, to be honest- and I don't feel like I'm getting the space and respect that I should have in order to focus (although let's face it, I'm usually too tweaky to sit down and do work). Added to the fact that I can't help but think that this is, in the end, going to be useless. Why am I going to school for New Media? I want to write for a living, yeah- but is the school going to really matter? If I can't take the time to actually do what I'm supposed to be doing, why am I doing it? I've been pretty adamant about graduating by 2013, but I know if I try I either won't have my minor completed, or I will have rushed myself and not actually learned, given myself a solid foundation. So where did I go wrong? Did I pick the wrong major? Focus too much on my job and try to accommodate? What? THERE ARE SO MANY PROJECTS I WANT TO DO AND CREATE AND CAN'T BECAUSE OF TIME. I want to learn how to tell stories better, and use the tools at my disposal. I'm too tired half the time to really devote the kind of time I want to-- plus you know.. I'd like to have a social life.

Work: I'm sure everyone has heard my current... frustration. With the season now here, I begin to wonder.... do I even want it anymore? Do I want to continue working for a store I really do love, or has the shift in personality dynamic frustrated me so much that it's worth more trouble than I want? Why am I not the obvious choice for the job anymore? I do everything that's asked of me, I try not to step over toes, deal with situations as they come. Over the past few months, a lot of the things that I used to do- I no longer do. I feel like I've been shoved down a peg, and yet at the same time- people still expect me to preform as the ASM should. I don't like making 'big' desicions anymore, because I'm afraid of getting in trouble or fired, but if I don't-- i know someone gets frustrated at me. I'm not sure where I stand, and no one will tell me anything. I feel used and taken advantage of and yet I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do. Bottom line is that I need the money, and I need to learn to just shut up and work, and leave my personal feelings out of the whole situation. I just want to know how I put myself into this situation, and how to get out.

Myself: I have... a lot of stress.
I feel like I have not been able to put my foot down on certain issues, or simply say what I'm thinking.  When I do- it causes more issues than would have been if I had simply said yes or not said anything at all. I am very censored, as most everything: my twitter, my lj, my facebook, even my school website, are being watching and monitored by people, and I'm really not sure what would happen if I actually said what was on my mind. Now yes, social media sites are exactly that, but when people assume that everything I post is about them..... well, it can get tricky.
At lot of my own stress is due to the afore mentioned school and work situations, but people just don't help. My last couple of posts-- heck, my posts for the past couple years have been nothing but rants about people who aren't respecting me. Flat out, I understand that shit comes up-- fine. Yes, I have a short temper, you would too if you were in my situation. I'm finally coming to understand what I want out of life- I'm sorry if high school melodrama isn't part of that. I'm tired of censoring myself, and if people don't like what I have to say, then why are you friends with me? 
Weight and Money, School and Work. EH. Fuck it all.
xxxxx

Oct. 12th, 2011

Mine

Time

It's a peculiar thing, some people have too much; others, not nearly enough.

Myself? I fall on the not nearly enough side. Between 30+ hours a week at work and not only having 15 credit hours, plus the homework that falls ontop, I simply wish I had a Tardis to get me through the week.

As such, I feel it important to express two simple thoughts that have become almost a staple of life as of late. I feel no need to hang out with people that, for whichever reason, create negative reactions within or around me. I also don't feel the need to justify who I hang out with when. This is less of a reason of wanting to do things, but simply when and how things happen. I do what I want with my spare time, and sadly, I must also admit that due to this I don't hang out with some people as often as I would like.

It is not that people are given a preference, it is just how things simply happen. If I'm stressing, then it's quite possible I'll hang out with someone that gives me less hassle, or no one at all, likewise, if I happen to have some free time for a bit of hanging out and am not stressed to the max- then by all means, I want to hang with my best buds :D

A couple people have told me the feel neglected lately, and sadly, these people do no have LJ, so I guess I will be reposting this to FB- and the only truth I have to give them is, to stop being jealous brats. I'm sorry I don't talk on AIM much, but when I hear about these people taking it out on eachother for stupid reasons.... seriously, I want to hang out with you guys less.

(( Also, I apologize to those who do follow this journal, Facebook just happens to be really quick to post my geek to; and the only LJ apps for Android are well.. terrible))

I can't help it if my super awesome popularity is cause for debate :p

Bah, here I go, inflating my ego... ^_~ Gosh darn, my actual self-esteem is in the positives.

Assertion is kinda liberating. I just hope the people who really care can understand and encourage/support my time of growing-up, as it were.

Loves!
Teh Raine.
teh

Jun. 9th, 2011

Mine

(no subject)

I was going to write this nice big long speech about how sick I am of people getting pissed at me for doing the shit I want to do, and how fine is a perfectly acceptable answer for anything and everything.

Then I realized that I shouldn't have to, as it's already been done.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Bill_of_Rights#Amendments






Mar. 29th, 2011

Glee!

:3

Walking to class today, a strange thought crossed my mind. Not strange in the fact that this thought was a particularly absurd notion, but the fact that this thought has been absent for quite some time.

Today, has been a good day.

Not only is nice out, and the snow is finally going away; but I've had no drama today. FAFSA is almost done, and I also got to see my advisor as well. Homework isn't nearly as behind as it has been the past couple of weeks and when I get home I'll be able to clean up some stuff (as well as my room .... which gets really messy at certain times..). I've been able to do what I want, without having to worry about other people and their reaction to my actions, even though I'm at school.

I know a lot of my friends have been going through some rough issues, and as always I'm perfectly willing to help them with anything they need; just like many of them were there for me during my years of absolute rock bottom. 

Starting to eat healthier. After all, sometimes it's not what your eating (mostly), but how much of it you are actually eating. Hopefully now that it's nicer I'll be prompted to do a little more in the way of not-sitting-on-my-couch-exercising-my-thumbs.


So, all-in-all, good day with a  good attitude.

Feb. 24th, 2011

O.O?

Two Subjects, One Post.

.......: Some days, I wake up and find that all I want to do is clean, scrub, throw, chuck and otherwise get a clean perspective on my life. This is usually accomplished by lots of cleaning and sorting and the like. Today, is one of those days. The dirt and dust and all together..... blegh of my room is starting to drive me crazy... and the fact that there are no windows in my room seems to amplify this. Sadly, the cleaning will have to wait, as my schedule doesn't really allow me to rush home and do anything without well.... skipping class. So, the list stands as follows.
- Defrost the mini fridge.... clean it while it's outside.
- Full vacuum.
- Full dust.
- Throw more junk out
- Find stuff to trade in
-Clean off the chez chair so it can be brought upstairs
- ect, ect.

I guess spring cleaning is early this year.






........: The second part to this post, is that I am getting severly irritated at people very very quickly.
Stop being stupid.... seriously. It's quite simple.

Jan. 27th, 2011

Mine

For Me

    It's been a long time since I've written in this and sadly, about the safest place to do much of anything. This year has been tough, not financially, like I've been dealing with in the past couple of years. Not even physically, as the case so often is. I've settled on a happy medium for the time being, not eating as much, doing more walking- although my diet could still use a fair amount of work.
    This uphill struggle is mentally; and no, I don't want help, wishes of goodwill or anything of the sort. It will make it worse, I can assure you. I have been tied down, rooted and claimed. I do not like it. Routine of several years has chained me and patterns are breaking the fiber of my being. Again, I do not like it.
    I have grown, and the chains are stunting me, causing me to reach and bend to achieve the stars. I am caged.
   Sometimes, sometimes the light comes through; and things are glorious and a smile will beam across my face. Truthful, Honest. My smile. 
    Not the fake one.
    But it is too soon that the cage closes again, sending me to the dark, abysmal depths of my cage. It is littered with the bearings of my soul, things I'm being force to keep, quirks and flaws of my personality I wish to discard, change, move on from. 
    I am not allowed. I need change, I crave it. 
    I'm not allowed to actually have it, but we all know what would happen if I actually dared to make a move.We know what does happen when I so much attempt to change something.

______________

People change. I changed.
I changed a lot through high school- and continued still. My reality was shattered my first year of collage. The kind of shatter that I've never been able to really get over. I just made it a part of who I was. Two years on your own will do a lot to a person. It was a transition I wasn't ready for, because I was trying to take care of everyone else, and let my problems get much worse then they were. I'm not the person I was.
I take great stride to find a balance that works with my friends; but the scales were tipped long ago.  The balance I once sought after is no longer a viable solution. I have needs, and things that I have to do. I don't care that people don't understand how important it is because they aren't in my situation. Just understand that it is very important to me; I deserve that much bloody respect.

I'm not saying that I need to cut off ties. I'm saying I need less.
There is no need to respond to everything I post/write/update, ect. 
I don't need every one to know where I am every second of the day and what thought is going through my head at all times. I don't need guilt trips- I don't need people leaving me IM's wondering where I am when my away message is up. After all, it is an away message. I don't need people claiming my days off as soon as I mention them-- actually, it irritates me. 

There is already so much that I do, and need to focus on, so excuse me if I'm flightier than hell because my brain is pulling me where it needs to go so that I am happy and not stressing as much. I'm going to fight tooth and nail for my sanity, and I'm not going to back down and keep my emotions in check anymore. I am not afraid to tell the world to fuck off. I will start ignoring any forms of communication and I will do whatever the hell I damn well please, whatever that may be. If you don't like it, you can deal with it.

I have talked with many people about things I've had issues with, at this point I understand my concerns to be heard and understod.

Jun. 18th, 2010

>_>

.....

 RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!

>_____>

Apr. 29th, 2010

Lost

(no subject)

Just like the title says, one more completely emo journal entry from yours truly.
It's ok, you don't have to read it. This journal is for me, and me only. If you happen to think it makes for a nice little soap opera, then so be it.
( Just make sure I get royalty rights for the tv show, mkay?)

It's been a rough week. Last week of actual classes, wrap ups, insane amounts of drama. After all, I'm not allowed to have my own stress, no I have to have the stress that belongs to everyone else too. Not to mention, certain people just don't seem to get it. It's quite discouraging really... I mean, I don't like the position that I'm in half time time, and while certain people think they've learned to manipulate me.... they haven't. I just don't care enough anymore to argue.

Birthday was the past Monday- with the party on Saturday. Went rather well overall... some drama; because naturally I can't not go a single event without some form of fucking drama. It was however, a bit awkward for me, I'm not going to lie, It's really hard to keep all my friends happy at the same time with the rather obvious divide between people. Let me tell you, it's starting to suck worse than it ever has. 
**Mom did buy me kickass cake; and the whole party was princess themed... that was just total win**

Today happens to mark the last day of official classes for the semester.
Thank god. -_-

Tuesday was nothing but a giant slap in the face. I seriously can't believe I let myself get so lazy this semester... I mean really, how? My English teacher sent me an email, I nearly failed the class. I realized how far behind I actually am in most of my classes... it's just stupid. I'm better than this, I'm supposed to be better than this; I just don't know why I rise so high and then... fall so damn hard. -_- Not to mention that nothing went right at all Tuesday, one issue after another, no money for lunch, falling down stairs, running into crap ect... went to bed at about 4am the next morning due to omghomework.

Work Yesterday. Hahaha. -_- Yeha, that was fun.
Lots of shipment came in, Jason and i were working through it as fast as we could. After he left it was just me. I hate working alone, I go batty with lack of people. By the time about 7 hit I really had to go to the bathroom.. like... really. I continued doing my work and was finally started getting things cleared off.... by the time 8ish hit I was about ready to burst. When I finally managed to duck out of the store for 2 seconds to poke my head in next to to see if one of the other guys that works at the store once in a while could just watch the store. Naturally, this is when my boss managed to show up. I seriously felt like a freaking idiot; just.. guuuh.... I ran outback and wham- my right shoulder/arm made wonderful contact with the PSP rack. I shut down, I just.. couldn't handle anything at that point anymore. I managed to pick up a bit for the rest of the evening....

where I proceeded to go home and console one of my upset friends.
I was up until about 5ish. I couldn't sleep, didn't want to. Had to much to do. Didn't even do half of what I really needed too.. I just.. didn't care. My brain is still pretty much shut down. I couldn't get up this morning when I wanted (to work on homework) and ended up finally looking at the clock to find out that I had 45 minutes before my next class started. Enter insane morning scramble.

So now I'm here. Sitting in my Art class, still shutdown and depressed.

I think this summer, I'm going to join a Zoomba (Zumba?) class with my friend Emily. It sounds like fun, and I could use the exercise.

Also...
I think I'm going to try and go back to therapy. There's still a lot of unresolved issues in my head that haven't gone away; or that won't go away just be ignoring them. Yes, the ongoing weight battle is still one of them, as is my total lack of self-esteem and trust. These are things that no matter what I try just won't be resolved. It's not that I'm not working towards them. It's that as soon as I make headway, something tends to shift. It's not an excuse. It's just how my life tends to be.

It's getting to the point where certain aspects of my life are being controlled by this... delusion. A perfect aspect of what I wish was happening. Not necessarily to me, ie perfect grades; but just lots of wishful thinkings. I don't know if it's good or bad yet.... obviously delusion is bad, but the goal at the end would be nice to reach.

*sigh*
and now I don't even feel like typing.
I'll be back soon with another update.

Apr. 2nd, 2010

>_>

Ok.

First things first.

I've been getting a lot of shit lately. Can we please stop with the drama? Really? Enough with the making up excuses to see me, the calling nine thousand times a day, the texting me four times with the same message. Enough with the "so and so spends more time with you", enough with the "I can't help it if people see me like that" and the "no body likes me". Enough of the playing up things to make the other jealous- or whatever the hell is going on. Enough. We are who we are, and while some people are more reserved than others-- it is not a bad thing, and being to buddy-buddy can get annoying. People don't seem to get this "I will hang out with people i choose, and if I don't like you, it won't happen". So seriously. I know I don't spend equal time with my friends; not exaclty my fault. Some people make it hard to do so- others are much harder to get time with. Enough of the being a fucking hippocrite; my patience is wearing very thin and I'm wearing out. Actual legitimate concern is fine, mental issues fine... ect. I'm a friend, and that's what friends are for. But no dumping on me becuase "you have a bad day and your poor little world is actually getting a kick of reality."
Also-- some people need to get off my back about my other friends. the "joking"? Yeah not funny. >.> Especially where the online ones are concerned. Back. Off.

And yes, I'm more often than not online, with a status up, that indicates while I'm there-- I'm more or less busy and can't respond. I'm sorry if a few of you can't see these. I don't know what to say-- it's not like I'm ignoring you; contrary to popular belief. Same thing with phone calls and texts. I get bac to you, when I get back to you? M'kay? Don't know how much more I can stress this.

I have enough going on guys. USE THE BRAINS YOU HAVE. There is a huge difference between actual need to talk things and the i'm just making shit up or hiding things to not cause you stress shit. It's bad enough I will never actual be able to do things for me, that some people are so fucking dependant that they can't go two days without talking/seeing/texting/im'ing me. It's bad enough that my saying NO results in huge arguments and my having to cave.  It's bad enough. So let's knock it the fuck off.

End of april is coming up, that means semester is coming to an end.
Both my English portfolio and my New Media portfolio are due soon, and these are huge deals. My homework is actually important, it's not like high school where I could kinda just shrug it off and do it later-- I've done that enough already, and I need to stop. So let me put my foot down. Let me do what I need to do. When I have the time, then I can hang out with people :D

/rant.

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